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I am not a musician

15/2/2015

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When I was a little girl I wanted to play the flute. I can't tell you why, because I don't remember. I started lessons at eleven, and our dog used to howl at my feet as I played. I joined the school band, and we played James Bond themes on open days, and carols in the church at Christmas.

Years later I failed an audition for the university orchestra, my priorities changed, and I didn't play for a long time. In my twenties I moved to this city, and fell in with a crowd of folk musicians and dancers. I met my partner at a ceilidh just over nine years ago and have been surrounded by music ever since.

The world of traditional music is a friendly one. Anyone can join in, you don't need to be able to read music, or even be particularly good at playing your instrument. There are no exams, no grades, no certificates. Anyone can form a band and play wherever they like.

But that didn't make me play again. Quite the opposite.

My new friends played by ear. They picked up tunes by listening and playing along, not reading from a score. There were no exams, no conductor. This was a whole different world, and I was out of my depth.

'It's easy!' they'd say. 'Just listen and you'll soon pick it up'. But when I listened all I heard was a voice in my head.
What if I do it wrong? I don't know where to start. I thought I could play, but it turns out I know nothing at all.
I tied myself in knots, and convinced myself I could barely play. I stopped talking about music, and if I met anyone new and they asked if I was a musician I'd say no.

Occasionally I would try again. Take my flute to a pub session, or a party - but then leave it under a table and spend the whole evening cursing myself. Eventually a wise friend asked 'why don't you start playing again with something you're comfortable with?'

So I turned away from folk music (having never really turned properly towards it), and found a new teacher. We played for fun at first, and then later I realised my love of structure and exams and certificates and did Grade 8 at the ripe old age of 33. I bought a new flute, which cost twice as much as our car. I did workshops and orchestra days, and joined the local flute choir. Flute choir is fun, and I'm slowly regaining that love of playing with others and performing that I had as a teenager.

I still don't feel like a musician. Reading music is a skill, and one I'm grateful to have learned as a child - I just wish I'd learned to play by ear and improvise at the same time. One day I'll let go of my fears enough to try again.

For now, let me leave you after all this rambling with a jolly thing to listen to. I love this piece. I can't remember how I found it, but I listened over and over again, and then ran to buy the sheet music. It's fiendishly difficult to play, and I've never made it to the end myself, but it's ever such fun to listen to. It swirls and changes as it goes along, always becoming something new, and it makes me think of spring and feel like dancing. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Not yet - but soon

12/2/2015

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As the days begin to lengthen, I find myself longing to be outside. I'm restless. I see the snowdrops emerging from the earth and feel impatient to emerge from my own hibernation. 

I walk, of course, and cycle outside when I can. I wrap myself in scarves and hurry from one place to another, cheeks red and fingers icy. But it's been too cold to linger outside for a long time now. 

On Sunday the sun shone, and we walked around a local city park. The brightness lifted my spirits and I almost started to feel warm under my many layers. For the first time in months I could imagine sitting outside - not yet, but soon.   

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Snippets of a good life

6/2/2015

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And so, a new chapter.

Snippets of a life that is ordinary, and extraordinary, just like yours. Details that make up my everyday world, shared with you. Tiny triumphs (and sometimes big mistakes). Books and tea. Knitting and flowers. Bicycles and sunsets. Ordinary things.


I've always been fascinated by the everyday - how other people go about the ordinary business of living. I lose myself in diaries, biographies, blogs, drinking in every detail of someone else's world. In a strange way I'm equally fascinated by my own life, and the moments that so easily pass by if I'm not careful to snatch a photograph or a memory.

I've been sharing my life online for many years now, and do so love to show places I've been and things I've made. At first, having a platform to share from made me want to do something worth sharing, and I made time to sew and bake, and learned to always remember my camera.

These days I feel less compelled to do new things just to share. I still remember my camera, but I find my photographs oddly familiar, like I'm taking the same pictures over and over. So I'm trying to open my eyes. Not to do new things for the sake of them being new, but to see the same things in new ways. To listen when before I would have plugged my ears. To walk the same path, but look up instead of down.

Who knows. This space may end up the same as elsewhere, and that's ok. But I like a change of scenery every so often, a new place to stretch out and try something a little different.

I'd love it if you came along for the ride.

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